It Is Becoming Well

    

    

    It's pretty wild to consider just how fast life can come at us. I remember so vividly as a child thinking about how I wished life all the exciting adult aspects of life would hurry up and come. Now, I'm in or past most of them and I just wish life would slow down. I think it's important to reflect and pause and really evaluate the past and everything that  has happened. I certainly am shocked too and in disbelief when realize and consider just how much I've been part of in the past six years alone. For awhile now life has past me by while I've been desperately trying to survive.  It is very hard to enjoy anything about life when all you can see and feel is what you're missing.

    Despite my best efforts, I'm at a loss for words right now when it comes to putting into words the emotions and mental war I'm fighting through currently. I could talk lot about pain, confusion, emptiness, and loss. Each would represent part of the whole l can't fully explain. But none would do justice for even myself. That said, the more I fight through a day at a time, the closer I get to the end really; either succumbing what I feel inside or breaking through to live again. My mind and my heart cry for peace and my mind tells me that's only plausible by wanting out. My soul tells me it's not over and my joy does come in the morning. It also tells me to have the faith to hope morning is coming.

    I remember distinctly the morning my grandpa died. Shortly after the funeral home had left, I went out to the garage to work on some projects. I turned on a burned CD with songs that are still associated with that morning to this day. As the sun began to rise on that brisk November morning, I paused and thought about that phrase "joy comes in the morning." It had a double meaning the day. For me, the death and darkness of the previous night were being swallowed up by light and a new day. And for my grandpa, joy had come as well. Eternal joy that would never end or be broken by the pain, confusion, emptiness. and loss of this life.

    As I've paused now to think back on the past few years and thought about that morning fire years ago, I can see similarities in my thought processes. There's a desperate yearning within me to trade the joy I found that day with the joy my grandpa received. I'm tired of fighting, I'm longing for rest, and I'm hoping both will come soon. Two years ago, a friend of mine told me I should think about eternity more often. I rejected that thought at first but now I'm fully embracing it. I'm not home, that's why I have a longing. And heaven, it's not the place that's the goal; rather, it's the One who lives there. He is who and what I really need to help the ache now and the reason eternity is what we are longing for. Because of this, I'll wake up and fight to live tomorrow. Jesus is my only hope. It may not be well with my mind or heart. But it is well with my soul. Or rather, it is becoming well with my soul.-MR